Pretty Boys Don't Cry: Final Chapter

EVER AFTER

Reader advisory: The following episode contains descriptions that may not be suitable for younger readers, including discussions of sexual content. Reader discretion is advised.

Story written by: Carlos Anthony

I broke up with Liz. She came to my workplace, cried rivers and then used the guilt of my daughter against me. She begged me not to abandon her and said I was letting our family down by walking away. All I could think about was someone like my stepfather fathering my child and the abuse my child may face. If I wasn't around to protect her, who else could? 

It made my stomach turn thinking about what she could be subjected to. Liz admitted to the emotional cheating but denied the physical affair. I didn't believe her, but I told myself that since I didn't witness it, then it didn't happen. I felt like a fool for taking her back.

The next four years of our relationship would be on and off like a light switch. The last straw was when I came home one evening to find her in bed with another man.

I opened the door and that's when I saw her and her ex lying on my bed. I woke them up and kicked him out of the house. She tried to explain, but I wouldn't listen to a word she said. I called my mother and asked if I could stay with her. I hated being around my parents, but it was better than being anywhere near Liz.

My heart was broken. All I wanted to do was make Liz suffer. I needed justice for how she did me dirty. I sacrificed my potential, my relationship with my family and my friends for her, and I wasn't a hundred percent sure if our daughter was mine because there wasn't much of a resemblance between us. When I heard Liz's friends echo my uncertainty out loud, it increased my doubt.

I was already in debt for trying to keep up with a lifestyle I couldn't afford when I was spending lavishly trying to keep Liz happy. I needed to get my life back together. I needed to make up for all the potential I wasted trying to be the perfect boyfriend with Liz. I wanted to go back to school and get a career. I decided I was going to hit her where it hurt by bettering my life.

Read Chapter 3 of Pretty Boys Don’t Cry

That's when I met what I felt was an upgrade. Lynn was my best friend's cousin. She was the forbidden fruit. It was against the code to date each other's family because he saw it as social incest. 

We went out for dinner. It was my treat. Our conversation started with talks about my aspirations and drifted into why we were single. She offered me a ride home at the end of dinner. 

The flirting between Lynn and I advanced to sexy photos and promises of pancakes and lingerie. A woman who could cook? Who was sexy? Successful and smart? She looked like Alicia Keys in the "If I Ain't Got You” music video. It felt too good to be true, is what I thought. And it was.

It was getting harder to turn her down. When we made love for the first time, it was like magic. Our loving-making sessions would outlast playlists. The love we had for each other burned brighter than the discomfort of the sweat that burned our eyes. When the muscle cramps came, we powered through the pain to avoid killing the mood. It was worth the orgasm.

Lynn was giving up her roster of men for me. She wanted us to be exclusive but didn't want me to feel pressured. She was testing me, and when I responded that there wasn't anyone else I wanted to have sex with, we kissed, and we were an item. 

My guard was down and I was trusting again. She said if I ever wanted to spice things up, we could bring other women into our bedroom, and we did. When Lynn was tired, she let me have sex with any of my female friends that were down. She was doing all the right things, and my trust increased because she executed her promises. I found myself wanting to be with other women less. 

Lynn’s only competition was my daughter and Liz knew that. She tried to exploit my love for our child. When she couldn't have me physically, she used the threat of taking my daughter away as leverage when changing the terms of our co-parenting agreement.

When Lynn got tired of seeing me being taken advantage of, she requested I establish boundaries. When I tried to set boundaries, Liz countered with papers for full custody. I retained a lawyer. The judge gave us joint custody but our daughter was going to stay with Liz primarily. 

Read Chapter 2 of Pretty Boys Don’t Cry

I couldn't establish boundaries with Liz because I couldn't deal with the repercussions of losing my access time to my daughter. I only had her every other weekend, but between the commuting and the times she was asleep, it felt like a few hours had gone by instead of days when it was time for her mother to pick her up.  

I didn't want to lose Lynn, but I didn't want to lose my access time with my daughter. So I lied to Liz using the excuse that Lynn was the reason her and I couldn't be together. That I was using Lynn because she had a car and money.

I revealed things to Liz about Lynn in confidence, and Liz would use it as ammunition against Lynn when they argued. Then I repeated the cycle with Lynn. The problem was that I was continuing to cross boundaries in my relationship with Lynn. It was like I was living a double life. I figured there wouldn't be any way for them to find out the truth because they hated each other and Liz got caught in lies all the time because she could never keep her story together. I used the holes in Liz's story to discredit her whenever she tried to expose the truth.

But when Liz said, "Carlos and I will forever have a bond that you and him will never have," that was enough to change Lynn's plans for respecting my wishes of us not having kids. I didn't want another rushed relationship like what I had with Liz. I wanted to take the time and really get to know the girl I was going to have a family with. 

Lynn and I had stopped using condoms after the first couple of times having sex. In the beginning, I would pull out to avoid cumming inside of her. She hated that I would pull out, so she went on birth control. But it messed with her body, so she came off of birth control and I continued pulling out. 

The first time I came inside of her, we were in the missionary position. When I was going to cum, she wrapped her legs around and kept me from pulling out. 

I couldn't have been more disappointed. There were so many experiences I wanted to have that Lynn had and I didn't. I wanted to travel and see the world the way she did and wanted to do it together. But my opinion didn't matter, and that's when my plans for going back to school began to fade away. I became a father to multiple children with multiple women and couldn't afford to go back to school.

The rivalry I started between Liz and Lynn grew. They competed over everything from snapback bodies to babies. Lynn became pregnant with our second child shortly after, but this time providing me with the boy I never received from Liz. It was the upper hand Lynn could hold over Liz to prove she was better.

Everything was moving fast; I felt like I was losing control over my life. I resented Lynn for taking away what felt like my second chance. She could see it in the way I interacted with our daughter. It looked like I was rejecting her because I wasn't as engaged with her as I was with my oldest daughter. She didn't factor in that toddlers were more my speed and what was really bothering me was I had children with no degree or diploma. I didn't want to be limited to call centre jobs. Lynn said I could sell water to a well and after watching an episode of Madmen, I wanted to be like Donald Draper. 

Lynn didn't want to be another girl who held me back from bettering myself, so she applied for me to go to college. I got accepted. The only thing stopping me from going to college was our finances. Lynn was on maternity leave and I was the breadwinner. She told me she would write grants so that I wouldn't have to use a loan and until I received the grants, she’d hold down the finances so I could go to school full time and have the college experience. I resisted at first, but an argument from my boss pushed me to resign and pursue school.

Lynn didn’t apply for the grants she said she would and became overwhelmed with our finances. She miscalculated her capacity and our budget. It wasn't long before we argued about the finances that she could no longer afford. When she was going through postpartum depression, she resented her decision to have kids and blamed me for being the influence. She continued to put me down by telling me she felt like a single mother, and on top of the kids, I was her dependent.

My time had run out, and I was still in the first semester. My dreams would become nightmares when I felt them slipping through my fingertips. I was disappointed because I couldn't have the experiences I felt entitled to. 

It didn't matter that I was trying. Lynn wanted me to have a plan and I didn't. I thought it wouldn't be hard for me to get a job after college in my field, and when I got laid off, the uncertainty gave Lynn too much anxiety. Social media would instigate our arguments because it felt like everyone was living their best lives posting photos of them travelling and buying homes while we were broke. Most of our money was going to the kids, and we were living paycheck to paycheck. 

Lynn felt behind and put the pressure on us to catch up or die trying. Her father's factory was hiring. It paid well, had benefits and a pension. Lynn had worked a few summers and managed to make tens of thousands of dollars. The position had nothing to do with what I went to school for, but my severance was running out, unemployment wasn't an option, so it was between working at the plant or being put down and insulted for the rest of our relationship.

Before I took the job, we had one final argument that was sparked by our future. Lynn didn't want to be another baby mother; she wanted the ring. She wanted security in our relationship and put an ultimatum on me to propose.

When we did couples therapy, we found out we both had work to do, but she wasn't willing to do any of the work, and I would only do the work to prove that her issues with me weren't with me. That it was deep-rooted in her esteem, but she couldn't listen to me because I had no credibility since she saw me as flawed.

We broke up and got back together on her terms. It didn't matter what I wanted—I was trapped in between her expectations and my reality. 

We continued to do therapy together and individually. I learned that one of my many issues was I would evade telling her the truth because I couldn’t stand to see her cry. It made me sad to see her hurt. From then on, I promised to be honest, even if it hurt. It didn't happen overnight, but we both started to change. Staying committed to the love we have for each other and our family motivates us to continue to try despite how triggered we get from reminders of our past.